Love is....

"The commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost." - Dr. Tim Kimmel, Grace Based Parenting

So we've been working through Dr. Kimmel's book GBP in our Sunday School class. This week's lesson, A Secure Love, really spoke to me. It was convicting. I struggle with the balance of grace and law. I grow weary of the barrage of unsolicited advice: "Oh, you just need to spank him more and he'll settle down." "We don't allow that behavior in our house" "You need to show him who the boss is"...Barf. Puh-lease. I'm ashamed to admit this - but I can attest to it - you cannot beat the sin nature out of a child. No matter how "consistently" you beat them. When people say that, it makes me want to smack them. Ask them how they like it. But alas, I smile and walk away...chewing on my tongue to try not to say something that I might regret later...or feel guilty because I DON'T regret saying it even though I should.

Grace. I used to think that GBP equaled permissive parenting. And nothing could be further from the truth. So when Dr. Kimmel gave us the definition of love - its like the lightbulb went off. AHA, this is what I'm looking for. And its a struggle. I feel like I've never been able to know and be close with women who share the two biggest passions of mine - Jesus Christ and responsive parenting. I have lots of friends that practice gentle and "attachment" parenting practices, but we don't share the Lord. Not having that connection is tough. Our lives are so drastically different. And then I know lots of people that love Jesus that parent so differently that there's no connection on that level. As we work through this book study, I am given hope. Hope that somewhere out there, there is a woman that loves Jesus and parents her children similarly to the way that I do. Someone that I can share my heart with. For now, I trudge on.

Back to his definition of love:

to your needs and best interests....

This has taken on such different meanings for me over the past 5.5yrs. With Shiloh it was a baby that needed to be held ALL.THE.TIME. That sweet boy might as well have been conjoined at the hip to me. He caused me to throw out basically every pre-conceived notion of parenting that I had. Before I had him, I was the BEST parent. And after I had him, I realized how truly dumb I was. CLUELESS. He had an intense need to be close to mommy. So I met that need...despite the touts of "you're going to ruin him, he's going to be a spoiled brat, he'll never learn how to be independent" Sigh - yes, I heard all of these things on more than one occasion. I even once had someone tell me that I was ruining him by nursing him when he wanted to nurse. It was a tough course trying to swim against the current.

And Miss Diva - she challenged me in the way that I couldn't have imagined. She was such a happy baby. She wasn't quite as intense, but she shared her big brother's affinity for being held. Only difference was that someone different than mommy could hold her and she was totally content. But oh the sickies. Poor thing was poked, prodded, and tested by more doctors than I could ever have imagined. And she was on more drugs than I would ever have wanted for her little body. But she hung in there like a trooper until we finally figured out the problem. I really didn't think that we'd still be co-sleeping at 3.5, but this is what she needs right now. And so, we're here for her. It is tough when I think about all of my friend's whose kids all sleep in their beds at night without getting up. Kyle and I will wake up many mornings sandwiched in between one or both of the kids.

But then I remember -

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost.

...regardless of the cost....

This is what it means when you get up in the middle of the night to pat them or snuggle them back to sleep when they've had a bad dream. Or sacrificing time to yourself so that you can spend time filling their emotional love tanks. Even if the cost is me dancing around the living room, acting like a fool...or daddy having tea and crackers with Joey and her dolls...REGARDLESS OF THE COST...

I'm striving to live this out in my life. To work to meet their needs as I set mine wants aside. May they always know and feel the intense love that I have for them. And may that love point them to Jesus - whose love is perfect and never fails.